Barbie and Ken
Barbie, Mattel's undisputed queen of toys, and Ken, her Prince Charming, have been inseparable since 1961 (other than Barbie's brief fling with an Erik Estrada "Chips" doll in the late-'70s). Now semi-retired, the happy couple split their time between Barbie's dream house in Malibu and Ken's more modest two-story condo in Boca Raton. So you can forget that gossip about Ken being gay.
G.I. Joe wants to make it perfectly clear — he's not bitter. He wasn't bitter when Hasbro reduced him in size to better compete with Star Wars toys in the early '80s. He wasn't bitter when Channing Tatum played him in the movie version of his life, and despite rumors that have dogged him since the mid-'60s, the "real American hero" continues to insist, "I'm not a doll, I'm an action figure."
Gumby and Pokey
A sweet clay boy and his four-legged pony pal first came into our lives more than 50 years ago, and although Gumby and Pokey have since grown up, they still refuse to wear a stitch of clothing. "I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm green, lumpy and the ladies love it," Gumby exclaimed. "He's delusional," muttered Pokey, after another Netflix night with his pantless friend.
Mr. Potato Head
Mr. Potato Head would like to thank all of you who wished him a speedy recovery from his recent surgery for tuber-ocular melanoma, more commonly known as potato-eye cancer.
The Trolls have seen better days. After more than a half-century of lurking under a bridge, time and hard living have taken their toll on these poor little creatures and signs of early dementia are readily apparent.
Woody and Buzz Lightyear
After "Toy Story 3," Woody and Buzz* struggled to find work in Hollywood (that's what happens when you're typecast). Today, the best friends can be found outside Mann's Chinese Theatre posing for photos with tourists for $1 a pop.
*Although not technically toys we played with, Woody and Buzz were based on older cowboy and astronaut playthings, so please work with us here.
Teddy Ruxpin is currently in litigation with the makers of "Ted" and, on the advice of his attorneys, refused to take part in this article. Contacted in Boston, Ted said, "Screw that fat ... never mind" before hanging up.
Thomas the Tank Engine
After numerous near-derailments (which he tried to pin on the Little Engine That Could), Thomas was honorably released from rail service. The beloved locomotive now rests permanently next to the Hogwarts Express at King's Cross Station Platform 9 3/4.
My Little Pony
Applejack, an original pony from the early '80s, was put out to pasture some time ago, and even though her mane has lost some of its luster, her hair is still fun to brush. But watch out, she bites!
The Russian nesting dolls, around since the turn of the 20th century, have survived tsarist rule, revolutions and regime changes, to say nothing of the endless "stacked" jokes. Blame it on the vodka.
Sadly, the speculation swirling around the big fella since the mid-'70s proved to be true. This is what steroids can do to a body.
Introduced by Mattel in 1960, Chatty Cathy originally spoke one of 11 different phrases when you pulled her "chatty ring." Over the years, she acquired more phrases, such as, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," "Tell me a story ... and make it a really dirty one" and "Oh, my God! I have to pee more than Betsy Wetsy!"