Relationships

I Like to Watch Porn—With My Wife

It gets us out of our own heads and frees the few inhibitions we may have left, even after decades of marriage

You know that guy who’s got the whole "watching porn on the Web without getting caught by the wife or the girlfriend" thing all figured out?

That ain’t me.

I’m scared enough about Google and Amazon collecting personal data off of my “digital footprint” day in and day out. I don’t need a bunch of porn peddlers, Viagra pushers and dick enhancers tracking my every move too.

Plus, I’m 57 years old. Somehow the image of a guy like me staring into a 24-inch iMac, a not-altogether-hygienic mouse in one hand and a wad of Kleenex in the other, just doesn’t strike me as a very good look.

I’m actually that other guy. The one who—hell, yeah!—still likes to watch porn occasionally. Only, not slouched in front of a computer screen in a below-ground-level man cave—and certainly not all by his lonesome. My wife and I do all of our porn-watching together. We generally get cozy in our comfy bedroom with the lights down low or in the high-style entertainment room with the requisite drapes drawn.

These marital-aided sessions aren’t all that frequent, mind you, but they do serve a purpose: to get us out of our own heads for a while and to free the few inhibitions we may have left, even after decades of marriage.

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Rainy weekend afternoons seem to be the perfect time. I’ll pour us each a glass or two of wine, maybe light a fire, that sort of thing. I’m in charge of purchasing the DVDs, but my wife is the one who always chooses which one we’ll watch. She says I’ve gotten pretty good at weeding out the “guy porn crap” and finding things that are more enjoyable to couples, especially to women.

We’re not unusual in this way. Millions of emotionally healthy, sexually satisfied—gasp!, even God-believing, FOX News-fearing, pillar-of-the-bedroom-community-type—couples enjoy popping a porno (do they still call them that?) into the Blu-Ray from time to time. If you don’t believe me just ask, well, almost anybody.

Better still, look it up! According to most of the reports that I’ve come across, more than half of married couples have watched porn together, and plenty who haven’t watched it say that they’d like to, just to spice things up a little bit. I’m talking about perfectly good and decent people who sometimes get a rise (pun totally intended) out of sharing a porno and making their fantasies come true.

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Lately, however, something has got me feeling just a wee bit bashful about all of this. I’m not having a change of heart about watching porn with my lady every once in a while, but I am experiencing what you might call a change in perspective (which is not be confused with those POV vids on porn sites).

It occurred to me recently that—all of a sudden—I’m old enough to be everybody’s goddamn father around here! And I am not digging it, not one bit.

That smokin’-hot blonde real-estate broker who convinces the even hotter redhead client to hang out after the open house is over so that they can “get to know each other a little better”? Totally could be my daughter. Hell, both of them could be. Oh, and the Rob Lowe-lookin’ dude who’s hung like the thoroughbred Affirmed and joins the two chicks in the awesome “designer” master suite a little later on? You know, because the open house sign was still on the lawn and the front door was wide open for any axe murderer to wander in? I’ve got a nephew his age! Actually, I’ve got another who’s even older!

Of course, this had to happen sooner or later. Porn has always been a young person's game. I mean, why would anybody want to watch a bunch of fiftysomethings humping on a Sleep Number mattress when they can gawk at young hotties tearing it up on some algebra teacher’s desk or maybe in the back of a moving limo?

I know that these movie-assisted lovemaking sessions that my wife and I have come to enjoy might one day go the way of the VHS. At some point—when we’re in our 70s? 80s?—is it really gonna be cool to still be doing this kind of thing? The truth is that it's probably not gonna make a whole lot of difference. By then I won't be able to tell the nurses in these skin flicks from the nurses taking care of me.

Which now that I think of it, actually sounds like a lot of fun.

   
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