I have loved men—LOVED them—since I was nine years old and felt the need to rescue Charlie Brown. (I've always thought he was sort of misunderstood, and with the love of a good woman, he'd cheer up in no time. OK, so my relationships have been codependent since day one. Sue me.)
I graduated from Charlie Brown to Rocky Balboa (also misunderstood) to real boys in junior high. Basically, there has been one man or 20 on my mind every second since the first blush of my adolescence. I adore men, I love sleeping with men, I like the look of men and the smell of men.
So why, then, am I all of a sudden feeling attracted to women?
I don't even like women all that much. They do all that talk-talk-talking, all that emoting, all that analyzing everyone's every move. "Well, if SHE'S bringing store-bought chicken salad to the function, then I'M certainly not going to spend my Sunday making brownies from scratch."
Women exhaust me, generally. I tend to be friends with men I'm not obsessing over romantically. I have a lot of gay men and old boyfriends in my life. Men are simpler creatures, and I seek them for hanging out or for just having them on top of me.
I'm in my mid-50s, and having a very sexually satisfying relationship with a man I've been seeing for quite a few years now; it's the best sex I've ever had. The rest of the relationship has been tumultuous lately, though, and we recently found ourselves having one of those never-ending relationship talks, where your voice shakes and you reveal all the things you've held inside. Basically, it was the kind of talk where I acted like a total girl.
"I mean, what do you want? What are you not getting out of this relationship that you wish you were getting?" I asked girlishly.
"Nothing. I don't want anything more, other than that you stop feeling dissatisfied," he said, because men are simple creatures. "Is there something you want that you aren't getting?"
Before I even knew it was going to come out of my mouth, there it was. "I want to sleep with women," I said, and then realized I did.
"You do?" he seemed astonished.
I'd told him I'd been finding women sort of hot, and we'd played around with the idea, talking about it during sex to sort of enhance things. That was great, but I think the idea of me actually doing it stunned us both.
Then it delighted us both. We've spoken of little else since, really.
"How do you even do this?" I asked him recently. "As a woman, I've never had to aggressively pursue anyone."
And really, how DO I do this? How am I going to meet a woman to sleep with? Do I go on dating sites? Because here's the thing: I don't want a relationship. I just want some fun, casual sex.
I've never wanted fun, casual sex in my life till now. I've always wanted sex to lead to The Big Romance, the one that will last 'til the end of time, the one you write songs about, and all that crap that has absolutely not ever remotely happened to me and probably never will.
All of a sudden, I'm perusing women like I'm a 17-year-old boy. I'm checking out attractive women at the grocery store, hot young things at restaurants, even gorgeous celebrities, like I think I'm going to be the bi-curious female George Clooney or something. Is this what it's like to be a man? All the looking and the lusting and thinking about sex with zero commitment all the time? Because this is some kind of wonderful, is what it is. It's hot and it's exciting as all get-out (I'll bet George Clooney never says anything nerdy like "all get-out").
I have no idea if all of this is really going to lead to me actually sleeping with a woman, but I feel like it will. I've promised the man in my life I will tell him every detail if it happens, which both torments and excites him simultaneously.
People like me probably piss off full-time lesbians to the extreme; Dear Lesbians, I am sorry. But man, is this fun.
More to come.