Christmas Time Is Here
"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish."
"Charlie Brown, you are the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Dude, maybe you should try smoking pot again?"
Skating on Thin Ice
"Don't blame me if somebody breaks a hip."
I'm Freezing My Ass Off, Charlie Brown
"Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, Charlie Brown, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. The kids have their own families now, I'm not talking to my ex and do you know any other shrink who has an office in the snow?"
You Have Early Onset Dementia, Charlie Brown
"Jeez, Snoop. Why are you always making me look so bad? You're such a show-off. I am in sad shape ... uh, what was I saying? I have to pee. Oy."
"Whoever spiked the punch with Prozac and Cialis—good call!"
"Pig Pen's dust was ruining the style of my naturally curly hair! I'd dye it red again, but my ex-husband cut me off and I can barely afford my Botox treatments."
I'm Having Hot Flashes, Charlie Brown
"Damnit, Snoopy! Menopause isn't funny!"
Linus and Lucy
"Enough with the stupid blanket! You're pushing 60! It's really, really creepy. And when did you start drinking again? I told you, Linus, I'm not gonna visit you in rehab again. I've had it!"
Sally and Linus
"Charlie Brown's little sister was cute when she was younger, but nowadays I find her desperation kinda pathetic. It's a good thing she can't hear me talking to myself."
You're Such a Putz, Charlie Brown
"I don't know, this doesn't seem to fit the modern spirit. By the way, did you get any pot? I could really use something to take the edge off, dude."
"I don't care how freakin' adorable you look dancing up there—get the hell off my piano!"
What Christmas Is All About
"And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them ... Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again ..." Oops! Wrong holiday classic!"
Christmastime for the Jews
"Linus is right; I won't let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas. I'll take this little tree home, decorate it, and it'll look great next to the menorah."
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
"Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree. Too bad about the news about his prostate."
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