"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
"We're not having turkey this year … We've experimented before. One year, we had a stork, which was kinda nice, but the wishbone made a hell of a noise."
"Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt ..."
"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
"When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat."
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."
"Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
"I love Thanksgiving turkey; it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts."
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."
"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."
"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before."
"Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."
"You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner, there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, 'Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.'"
"Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out."
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