You Better Watch Out
Ready for a different kind of present? Click through for 20 classic jokes, earnest observations and holiday wishes from celebrities ranging from Shirley Temple to Alice Cooper.
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
From "SantaLand Diaries":
"Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone wants those Turtles."
"The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school."
"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."
"You can't fool me—there ain't no Sanity Clause!"
"Nothing says holidays like a cheese log."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"Don't give me books for Christmas—I already have a book."
John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten)
"Having a birthday cake squashed into your face by young kids? Delicious. I always don a Santa suit at Christmas. Remaining childish is a tremendous state of innocence."
"I throw a Christmas party at my house. It's not really a Christmas party, because I don't want to call it a Christmas party. But let's just say I put a lot of Christmas trees around the house, so it smells good."
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."
"No matter what, I always make it home for Christmas. I love to go to my Tennessee Mountain Home and invite all of my nieces and nephews and their spouses and kids and do what we all like to do - eat, laugh, trade presents and just enjoy each other... and sometimes I even dress up like Santa Claus!"
"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
"When I was really young, I loved the movie 'White Christmas'—I still do—and I thought Rosemary Clooney was so pretty. When I was, like, 9, I would tell people, 'You know who I kind of look like? Rosemary Clooney.'"
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."
"If my Valentine you won't be / I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree."
From "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)":
"A very Merry Christmas / And a Happy New Year/ Let's hope it's a good one / Without any fear"
Comedy classics from the '70s
Sometimes flattery will get you everywhere
Thunder only happens when it's raining—and this band went through a downpour
Fresh perspectives on aging in films that are genuinely moving or funny—and often both
Hit singles of the '70s and early '80s that had only one mission—to make you get up and dance
The Backwoods Barbie who became a country-pop icon