Long before he hosted the Oscars—before "When Harry Met Sally..." and "Saturday Night Live"—Billy Crystal was a regular at New York comedy clubs. Here, to mark his 70th birthday, are 50 funny lines from celebrated stand-up comics, starting with Mr. Saturday Night himself.
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
"Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow."
"Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass."
"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'"
"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."
"I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece. And my other niece."
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers."
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, 'denigrate' means 'put down.'"
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
"I tell ya, my wife, we get along good 'cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys."
"I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room."
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada."
"I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'"
George Burns & Gracie Allen
Gracie: "Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for city councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a campaign he put on!"
George: "Kissed all the babies, huh?"
Gracie: "Well, no, why should he? In San Francisco, very few babies are old enough to vote."
"Let me ask you a question, who do you think has more freedom—the married man in America or the single man in communist China?"
"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke."
Abbott and Costello
Abbott: "Who is on first."
Costello: "I'm asking you who's on first."
Abbott: "That's the man's name."
Costello: "That's who's name?"
"Housework won't kill you. But then again, why take the chance?"
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed."
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list."
"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business."
"I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me 'god' for short. That's cute. I taught her that."
"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman."
"Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors."
"I wish people would stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates."
"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'."
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult."
"How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are worried about it starting back up?"
"I was having a great day until I woke up."
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
"Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number."
"'Ebony and Ivory.' No more racism now. That one's done."
"My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious."
"I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her."
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
"Get-well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick, you're missing half the fun."
"Welcome to the Academy Awards—or, as it`s known at my house, Passover."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
"I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto; it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter."
"If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with any and all bodily functions."
"I didn't wake up in a new Bugatti this morning.... I'll try again tomorrow."
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it."
"In the '50s, I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze, or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel."
"Take my wife ... please!"
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