Before finding fame as a a featured player on "Saturday Night Live," Chris Rock—born February 7th, 1965—skillfully conquered the stand-up comedy scene. Here, we celebrate his storied career and other comedians who still make us laugh.
"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'"
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
"Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass."
"Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow."
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers."
"Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don't."
"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."
"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada."
"I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece, and my other niece..."
"Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed."
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, 'denigrate' means 'put down.'"
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
Abbott and Costello
Abbott: "Who is on first."
Costello: "I'm asking you who's on first."
Abbott: "That's the man's name."
Costello: "That's who's name?"
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Let me ask you a question, who do you think has more freedom—the married man in America or the single man in communist China?"
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke."
"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business."
"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'."
"Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors."
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed."
"Housework won't kill you. But then again, why take the chance?"
"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman."
"I tell ya, my wife, we get along good 'cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I was having a great day until I woke up."
George Burns & Gracie Allen
Gracie: "Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for city councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a campaign he put on!"
George: "Kissed all the babies, huh?"
Gracie: "Well, no, why should he? In San Francisco, very few babies are old enough to vote."
"How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are worried about it starting back up?"
"I wish people would stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates."
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult."
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list."
"'Ebony and Ivory.' No more racism now. That one's done."
"My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious."
"Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number."
"I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her."
"I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me 'god' for short. That's cute. I taught her that."
"Get-well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick, you're missing half the fun."
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
"Welcome to the Academy Awards—or, as it`s known at my house, Passover."
"If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with any and all bodily functions."
"I didn't wake up in a new Bugatti this morning.... I'll try again tomorrow."
On his favorite Gregorian chant: "That was No.1 for 300 years."
"Take my wife ... please!"
The Backwoods Barbie who became a country-pop icon
Major stars whose performances landed on the cutting room floor
Long-running shows that went out with a bang
The best of the blues-rock legend who gave up a piece of her heart with every song
Mannequins who came to life on the big screen
On screen, he was the epitome of elegance, but his real life didn’t match what you saw in the movies