Actor, author and critical thinker, George Carlin was more than just a stand-up comic, Still, he was damn (to use a word you can say on television) funny. Here, to celebrate what would have been his 80th birthday, are 20 classic observations from "the dean of counterculture comedians."
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
Photo by Deborah Feingold
"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"
"If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
"Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."
"Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey."
"The future will soon be a thing of the past."
"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."
"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat."
"'No comment' is a comment."
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
"I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."
"I think I am, therefore I am. I think."
"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired."
"So far, this is the oldest I've been."
Photo by Jeff Kravitz via Getty Images
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
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