Kimmel 'n' Bits
"I knew I would screw this show up, I really did—I promise I'll never come back," Jimmy Kimmel said right after last year's stunning Academy Awards blunder, when "La La Land" was incorrectly named Best Picture. Of course, he was joking. Here, as Kimmel prepares to host the 2018 Oscars, are 20 of his best punch lines.
"I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps."
On the Red Carpet
"The people who host the red carpet preview shows don't know it, but they died and are in hell."
On One of Life's Mysteries
"How is it possible that no one has invented a puppy that stays a puppy?"
"I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone—unless they're very funny."
"I never feel more alone than when I'm putting sunscreen on my back."
"If you don't have a crazy Facebook friend, you are the crazy Facebook friend."
On Crowd Control
"Hollywood police used 'non-lethal bean bags' to control a crowd that was rioting. Is there such a thing as lethal bean bags? If the riot escalated, they were authorized to switch to marshmallow Peeps."
"How much crack does a mayor have to smoke to win Person of the Year?"
"My wife and everyone I work with say it makes me mean and grouchy. But it does work and I eat like a pig the rest of the time."
On Harry Potter
"I don't want to ruin it for you, but at the end, Voldemort kills Harry with a fairly vicious atomic wedgie."
On TV Executives
"NBC thanked God for 'The Voice.' God has nothing to do with what's going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after 'Friends.'"
On Valentine's Day
"Valentine's Day: the day women all around the world wait eagerly to discover the new and wonderful ways their husbands and boyfriends will disappoint them."
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I'm pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes."
On the Emmys
"When Maggie Smith gets nominated for an Emmy, she has the same reaction that the rest of us have when we get those 20 percent off Bed Bath & Beyond certificates: straight into the trash."
On His Blind Spot
"That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't."
On Matt Damon
"I've known Matt for so long, when I first met Matt, I was the fat one."
On the Difference Between the Emmys and the Oscars
"At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes."
On the 40th President
"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have Type 2 diabetes."
To Meryl Streep From the Oscars Stage
"Nice dress, by the way. Is that an Ivanka?"
On 2017's Best Picture Screw-Up
"I blame Steve Harvey!"
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