The Rant

An Angry Letter to the Manufacturer of My Body

Despite a lifetime warranty, the original model hasn't held up

(Getty Images)

Dear Manufacturer of My Body,

I'm writing to let you know how displeased I am with this product. In the years I've been using it, it has regularly broken down, been unable to function and has generally shown its age. It certainly has not held up as advertised.

I was originally happy with this product. It seemed to come equipped with all the parts and did what it was supposed to do. It soon became clear that it was missing some key features. For example, it has never functioned properly in athletic situations. Always being picked last in gym class is not exactly good for the product's "word of mouth." It also has no musical ability. And its propensity towards introversion makes it almost useless in social situations. I've heard that these defects are more "bug" than "feature" but it sucks just the same.

Speaking of which, many of the reproductive parts turned out to be poorly made. Although my model reached puberty within the predicted timeframe, intervention was frequently required to achieve pregnancy (a key feature and one of its primary selling points).

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Some pregnancies just didn't last, and the ones that did grew abnormally large babies that needed very particular customization to the model upon arrival. The exterior also developed stretch marks afterwards, which isn't discussed in the manual and are particularly difficult to buff out. And making matters worse, when it was time for that function to power down, it simply refused, overheating, sputtering, screeching and generally causing much misery for years. Nowhere in the manual does it say anything about the product being "moody."

While I didn't get the breasts I ordered, the ones that came with the unit have been satisfactory. The thighs, however, are not and did not fit the original specs. They were oversized, not smooth as promised and they rubbed together. I can only assume this is a factory defect.

Although I initially thought I had all the parts (initial assembly, I have to admit, was a piece of cake), it became clear in later years that there are some missing pieces (such as one adult tooth), as well as a few extras (such as a vertebrae).

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It's also come to my attention—in several unpleasant ways—that a number of parts have become defective and replacements are unavailable. A gallbladder and several teeth top that list. What kind of a business are you guys running, anyway?

The whole deal feels like a "bait and switch" scam, particularly the "lifetime warranty," which is kind of meaningless when I have no idea how long that lifetime is! Though I properly registered my purchase (I've enclosed a copy of the documents), I can't seem to get any help with this. Whoever runs your customer service department should be fired.

Repeated calls, letters and tweets have gone unanswered. You leave me with no alternative other than to request a full refund—as well as a new replacement unit—transferring the complete memory from the old model.

I await your response.


Brette Sember

Tags: aging