Lifestyle

I Believe That Angels Are Robots

After a lifetime of skepticism, it's tough to suddenly become spiritual. What do you believe in?

I recently took a quiz on Beliefnet called “What’s Your Spiritual Type?” And, considering the last time I was in a synagogue was more than 40 years ago when I was bar mitzvahed, it came as little surprise that my score indicated I was a Hardcore Skeptic. I just missed out on being a Spiritual Dabbler by incorrectly answering "d) robots" to the question I believe angels are…. Oh well.

So that got me thinking: What do you believe in? (I know, I know: Nobody said that there was going to be a quiz today …)

1. I believe that God:

a) Exists and intervenes in daily events.

b) Exists but does not intervene in daily events.

c) Exists but only in the imagination of crazy people.

d) Has a personal vendetta against me.

2. When I think about issues of faith or spirituality, my foremost concern is:

a) A sense of connection to something larger than myself.

b) A rational understanding of whether religious claims are valid.

c) How much money this is going to cost me.

d) I wish there was something good to watch on TV right now.

3. I believe the scripture I know best is:

a) Mostly or entirely mythology.

b) Divinely inspired and mostly true.

c) Should be viewed mainly as storytelling or metaphor, except for the Koran.

d) The Koran is sacred. (Quick, let’s go to the next question already!)

4. Which of these statements comes closest to expressing your most basic view regarding faith?

a) Faith is important because it helps us cope with the struggles and hardships of life.

b) Faith is important because it makes the world a better place, by encouraging love and moral behavior.

c) "Faith" is George Michael’s best song.

d) Faith is the most demure-sounding of all of the hooker names.

5. I think prayer is:

a) Heard by gods or angels, and for many people, gods or angels respond.

b) Best understood as a form of meditation or moral awareness.

c) Convenient when something crappy happens to you.

d) Not as much fun as sexting.

6. I think that following life:

a) There is an afterlife for the virtuous but no hell; the evil simply cease to exist.

b) There is reincarnation or some other condition.

c) There is nothing.

d) My pants will fit better.

7. I believe that angels:

a) Exist and intervene to assist the pure-hearted.

b) Exist but only watch us, taking no action.

c) Will not make the playoffs next year either.

d) Are robots.

8. What frustrates me most about faith is:

a) That it doesn’t prevent bad things from happening to me or my loved ones.

b) That God allows so much suffering and evil.

c) That there are way too many Jewish holidays.

d) That those who have it never seem to shut up about it.

9. I believe there is a spirit world:

a) Made up of angels.

b) Made up of the souls of people who lived before.

c) Made up by the best CGI wizards in Hollywood.

d) Entirely made up.

10. The spiritual quest for me is mostly about:

a) Finding a connection to God.

b) Finding something greater than myself.

c) Finding Nemo.

d) Finding women.

If you got through all of these questions, I promise to pray for your soul.

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