Like a true cranky boomer, I prefer to hunker down over the real newspaper in the morning—the paper-and-ink variety—opting to fill my eyes with screens a bit later in the day. That said, I can't help but love-to-hate the rag that lands on my doorstep every day.
The first assault on my tender morning sensibilities. It's today's fresh pain on a plate, all before my first sip of coffee!
I prefer the days when NOTHING HAPPENS. When the breaking story is: "Name for newborn panda not yet decided—still time to enter the naming contest!"
I admit it: I don't know what's going on. It's just how I roll. I'm a headline reader, a skimmer, a skip-to-the-last-paragrapher. Is that so bad? I don't linger at the bombings, the corruption trials, Trump's latest words of wisdom. I do enjoy articles such as "Monsoon's Yearly Appearance Once Again Surprises Unsuspecting Villagers," which appears yearly.
I'd prefer to just think about the panda. How about "Smudgy"?
All that fun. Frankly, it gives me hives.
Don't people know it sucks everywhere? Admit it, you'll never get to half of these places in three lifetimes. And don't tell me about your bucket list, because then I'll have to kill you.
But you beg to differ. You swear you long to see the forests of Buggabugga, snack on tasty fried tarantulas in 100-degree heat, learn the dying Tlik Tlik language. Bite me! You know you'll always just keep going to the Cape.
You say you went with your MOTHER to the forests of Buggabugga?! I'd rather eat my shoes.
If you were lucky enough to go to the south of France, please don't natter on about what a great time you had. Perk me up a bit. Tell me about the time you were robbed, missed your flight and slept in the airport where you were bitten by some vicious insect. Or maybe all was going well until mother-in-law falls into some sort of well. Give me the good stuff!
More violence! More torture porn! More adult movies based on bad cartoons we watched growing up—this time, in 3-D! More movies starring Jennifer Aniston, the only female star in the universe!
This is where we all secretly long to show up someday, if we ever go to the right party with the right people which—face it—will never, ever happen. This is where every town dreams its small town dreams: Our football hero marries a model and has a baby and we NEVER GOT OVER IT! In other news, a somewhat-good movie was made here over a decade ago and we NEVER GOT OVER IT.
"Newest iPhone Replaces Newest iPhone"
"Stocks Surge on Hopes That Things Don't Suck"
"Stocks Plummet as People Remember Things Suck"
Now here's a freak show I need a few sips of coffee to dip a toe into, because of course it's just a microcosm of a much larger horror—the world. It's your neighbor down the street in the police log, nabbed for "accidental" baby-shaking. It's the poor dude who got lost in the White Mountains. It's the school principal, caught with kiddie porn. Then there are the stories which are the real reason I read the paper: "85-Year-Old Man Sentenced for Washing His Car in the Nude."
Now these I like. Can't hide life's irony here. Rodeo rider dies under the heels of his horse, Tonto. A 99-year-old expires the day before her 100th birthday. Sometimes the deceased make another appearance in this section a few days later. Did they die again?
Please, spare me.
Let me summarize: Get a will, a pre-nup, a clue; read the fine print, don't trust anyone—especially your family; stop being a fool! Bonds suck, stocks suck, mutual funds REALLY suck.
A new wing is opening at the arts center downtown … zzzzzzzzz. Sorry, I just fell asleep for a second there. Anyway, new mummies are coming from far away. They are even deader than the mummies in the old wing.
In music, the latest 10-year-old violin prodigy enjoys her three minutes of fame.
Locally, a budding comedian discovers irony; shares with all.
Listings such as "Doublefresh NitGrit smacks the beats and RippleJBlind spins the freak at this Tuesday and every Tuesday's awesome and amazing dubstep electro dance party" convince me it really is best to stay home and once and for all NAME THAT PANDA.