50 Clues You’re Almost 50

In celebration of the Big 5–Uh-Oh

Hey Nineteen: That's Steely Dan.

1. You wake up with a weird new pain every morning.

2. Sex lasts longer, but so does urination.

3. You avoid scales. And mirrors. But, ironically, spend a lot of time in the bathroom.

4. When you go out to eat and put on your glasses to read the menu, you still can't see a goddamn thing.

5. You're not 100% sure, but you think you used to be taller.

6. You play tennis, you hurt your lower back. You sneeze, you hurt your lower back.

7. Whenever you're hanging out with your kids, they remind you of you when you were their age, and that makes you a little happy and a little sad.

8. But the truth is, you never see your kids because they have much better things to do than hang out with you.

9. You call your urologist by his first name.

10. You need to have the best seats in the house because you only go to one concert a year — when Steely Dan comes to town.

11. You no longer bother to suck in your gut. Because you can't.

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Glasses are half empty.

12. Your dog is the only one who truly understands you ... and he died four years ago.

13. You're quite happy splitting an entree with your significant other.

14. You don't remember liking wine nearly as much as you do now.

15. You make plans to have sex and then fall asleep, and that's okay with both of you.

16. You pee a lot. I think I forgot to mention that earlier.

17. You tend to forget things you just said.

18. You often repeat the same thing over and over again.

19. You have a pair of glasses in every room in your house and can never find any of them. The same goes for when they're around your neck.

20. All those beauty marks and moles begin to look more and more suspicious.

21. You worry constantly about smelling funny like your grandpa did. But he was much older than you are now. Like, at least 10 years older. Maybe five.

22. You have friends who are grandparents and that no longer freaks you out.

23. Only two of your friends get your references about "Barbara Wa-Wa" and "Emily Litella."

Gilda the great.

24. Only one of your friends is an ignorant slut, and she's the only one who laughs when you call her that.

25. Nothing has had a more profound influence on you than Mad magazine and National Lampoon.

26. Except for Playboy.

27. When you watch "Mad Men," you most identify with Roger Sterling.

28. The smell of reefer reminds you more of your kids than when you were in college.

29. You use the word "reefer."

30. Of all your various achievements, your kids are most impressed that you've seen Damian Marley's dad perform live.

31. Although you see no point in Facebook whatsoever, you've shared more of your life on it than you ever have with any single human being.

32. People begin to inexplicably block you on Facebook.

33. Your boobs droop.

34. This also happens to women.

35. You worry that some of those weird new pains could be cancer.

36. Please, God, don't let it be cancer.

37. Most of the time, it's not cancer.

38. Yet.

39. You say "God" a lot, regardless if you believe in Him or not.

40. Some of your friend's parents die.

41. Some of your parents die.

42. OMG! All of a sudden, everyone's fucking dying!

43. There's no way for anyone to know you're lying when you say that you used to be cool.

44. You are as far away from cool as one can possibly be.

Don't stop til you get enough of MJ.

45. You spontaneously start to dance whenever you hear "Billy Jean" or "Last Dance," proving the above two points.

46. It takes forever to pee.

47. You pee all through the night.

48. You just keep peeing.

49. You're very happy your other foot's not yet in the grave.

50. This is the best version of you that there's ever been and you can't believe it's taken so goddamn long to get here.

51. Wait, what was the question?

Tags: aging